I am retired now, living in the country and spending my time writing or just staring at views and enjoying the present moment. Doctor Dark gave me a lot to think about, not that I remembered it all. But I decided that to live the words was better than to just remember them. I give myself an hour or two a day to let the mad monkey free in my mind so that I can think about what was said and shown to me, just in case I missed something. Every time I do, I find something new to learn about myself as I work through an unhinged mind trying to rehinge itself. I still haven’t found meaning; it’s more like the assembly instructions of flat-pack goods—difficult to understand, but the answers are there somewhere. Perhaps, the purpose of this book is to just help work through it all.
I know some very strong people who have a similar injury to me. Some fill their days with challenges, some struggle with their disability, and others just take one day at a time; all are trying to live life the best they can. All deal with pain, both physical and mental. In fact, I expect we all have unhinged minds of some form, as it’s how we can live this life that we have no choice over. I mean, how can I do this without being unhinged in some way? It may be nightmares, it may be just waking up and feeling depressed, or it could be hallucinating like me. I would like to say my mind has become calm. Maybe it has, but it’s still troubled. Though my meditation practice keeps the dark away, I still live with the feeling of the phantom breathing over my shoulder, and the phantom still hunts me.
Often, I feel trapped between the dark phantom and death, as if death feels cheated, and our handshake wasn’t enough. The new phantom doesn’t seem to have anything to teach me like Doctor Dark. How I got him wrong! Was it the dark he was trying to protect me from? Was he trying to open my eyes to a truth buried inside me? Who knows? He may have opened my eyes to enough wisdom to keep them both away. But one thing is for sure: No matter how many people love and surround me, I am still alone. I am still a ghost. Most of the time, I am upbeat, even content to sit and enjoy the view, write, and practise my meditation. I am even planning for a raised vegetable garden so that I can get outside more. I have stopped craving more and feel happy with my lot, no more blind ambition.